Looking Over E-Portfolios

In English class today, we proof-read some people's drafts as a class and worked through them. First of all, Mr.Paterson noticed that there was a 'finally' at the beginning of a body paragraph. He explained that words like 'finally' only belongs at the end of a paragraph, therefore, doesn't belong there. In another essay, 'on top of that' was at the beginning of an essay. Readers can't tell what 'that' is pointing to, so there is a need to change this. In addition, when reading through someone's writing, we found some casual phrases. For example, one had said 'good stuff' which shouldn't be in an academic essay. He also explained that redundant words such as ridiculous or crazy, shouldn't be used and should be replaced with words such as 'useful'. In another essay, we found a piece of data that was missing some information. The data was about how much food has been thrown away annually. The problem with this is that readers aren't informed of whether the data is worldwide, or in a specific country / area. To make essays stronger, we must make those details specific.